THANK YOU MARCUS!

2019! Already? Yes, the New Year is now two days old as I am writing. 

This is the year I turn sixty-five. I will retire in August and the plan is to sell the house and move to Florida.

So, facing lots of major life changes. 

The fact is I am moving even further away from my kids, my family, and friends in Canada. This saddens me a great deal. (Of course, since our destination is to be Florida, they have all assured me they will be visiting us. I hope so.)

There is now more sand in the bottom of the hour glass than at the top and reflecting on my life causes me some consternation. 

It is so because I am coming face to face with my own mediocrity. 

I had hoped my passions of music, martial arts and writing would have brought more acclaim, more financial reward despite the fact I engaged in them from love and without the thought of financial recompense.

My life’s mistakes haunt me, as do the consequences born from poor decisions. 

Oh, I know, no one ever consciously makes a bad decision. We all make our choices based on information at hand, always believing we are choosing wisely. We are all heroes of our own narrative.

Yes, I know, one cannot appreciate the sweet without tasting the sour. 

Nevertheless, despite the fact that I never expected to reach the ranks in martial arts that I earned, that I am by far a better player than I was in the band as a sixteen year old, and despite the fact I am working on my ninth book, I feel inadequate.

Never mind the fact I have engaged in a second career, something I thought impossible when I was twenty-eight.

Regardless of the fact that my first career as a correctional officer lasted nineteen years and my second career as a train operator has lasted twenty-three years or that I have made it in a new country, with new friends and as a result of re-marrying I have been accepted into a new family, I feel my life has been unremarkable.

It may be that I am a harsh taskmaster when it comes to assessing my own life.

I don’t think I am the only person who thinks like this. I wonder how many more “working stiffs” think this about their own lives.

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” 

Marcus Aurelius is fast becoming one of my favourite philosophers. I know I should be happier than how I feel simply from the sheer joy of waking each morning.

And yet, while not disappointed that I am waking with faculties intact, I nevertheless feel the crushingly oppressive thought that I have not lived up to my own potential. 

With that thought process operating in my head, I feel guilty that I have not done more with my life.

“Be content with what you are, and wish not change; nor dread your last day, nor long for it.”

Emperor Aurelius is probably correct in that I should be satisfied that I tried my best under the circumstances and given my abilities of thought and physicality. I should be content.

“Everything that happens, happens as it should, and if you observe carefully you will find this to be so.” 

If I acted differently, chose differently based on the circumstances, then I would in fact not be the person I am; I would not be “me.” Therefore, things could not be otherwise. Change had to occur because I am who I am.

“My true self is free, it cannot be contained.” This seems axiomatic. I will be that which I will be.

“We live only now. Everything else is either passed or is unknown.” This bit of wisdom is what I need to do right now. This needs to be my modus operandi moving forward.

Perhaps I ought to lighten up and be more grateful for the things I have, the people in my life who love me and whom I love dearly in return.

I should be content that I have acknowledged my shortcomings and have made amends where I can.

What is passed is past and what is to come has not yet manifested; today is after all, yesterday’s tomorrow.

My life has been full. I set goals and met them. The results were not perhaps the way I thought they should be but that is not in my control.

In the end, I love all my family, all my friends and am overjoyed I have family and friends in so many places. 

I am even more appreciative that they accept me as I am despite my shortcomings.

I can dare not ask for more than that for I am happy.