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Life's Uncertainty Principle

There was a particular moment, a span of about ten seconds, in my life when I chose a course of action that changed everything and with very dramatic effect.

It is hard for me to talk about this without telling you the details but I am going to try. It started in 1982, I had worked hard to earn a position within my job. During my course of duty, a situation developed and I had the obligation to choose, literally, to stay where I was or go. I know, "should I stay or should I go now." I could have stayed. I should have stayed. But I didn't, I went.

Ten seconds of my life, that's what it took to change my life's path in every way. I am not talking about military service and fighting a war, where one looks back thinking had I gone right and not left, I wouldn't have been shot. No, nothing that noble. I wasn't shot, blown up, or physically injured in any way. But the situation turned sour and the result from that decision of mine played out in the courts for several years. Then came the affair, the drinking, the divorce, the death of my father and my exile to another country.

That last bit is me being dramatic. However, I would not have chosen of my own volition to move to another country had circumstances been different. I did not wish to move. But, I felt it was my only viable option. I was advised by others that indeed it was my only viable option.

So, here I am thirty-four years later. I have built a new life, with a better career, and I am in a loving and supportive marriage with friends and the opportunity to do the things I love to do, like writing blogs.

It haunts me when I look back to that one fraction of a minute when I made that critical decision. Had I not made that decision, had I stayed instead of going, what would my life be like now?

I was scheduled to retire in 2011 so I would not have to go to work in an hour. I had just become comfortable with that new job position which was promising. Maybe I wouldn't have divorced, (though my gut tells me I would not have stayed in that marriage). I would have been closer to my children. I would have been closer to my siblings and my friends. My father would have died regardless.

I am better off with this life. Aspects of it are far better, certainly. But, again I am human and want it all. I want what I have in this country, with my new wife, this different career, this drive to write and play music, I want all of that but I want to live in the country I left. I want to be with my old friends, with my siblings, not so far away from my children, and to be nearer the places I love so well. I want it all.

Life is full of such moments. For me, it comes down to chance and contingency. I made a choice that was influenced by my predisposition, learned behaviour, and by chance. I possibly could have made a different choice (I allow for free will, but think it a concept that is given too much credit). After choosing, I experience the contingency, which are those circumstances that follow that choice.

Life is uncertain. Make the best of it. Acknowledge any mistakes, make amends where possible and to the extent to which you can, and move on. It is all you can do. Remember, enjoy the time you have for the duration is uncertain.


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